On my to-do list this week, I have "blog" written down. Twice.
I even had an outline of what I wanted to write about.
It was mostly going to be an outline of my kids, since the last time I blogged about Charlotte she was 2 months old…She's now 15 months.
But I've decided that instead of writing about my children, I wanted to write about motherhood.
I've been a mother now for 5 1/2 years. 6 1/2 if you count my pregnancy. I am in no way an expert on the subject, in fact, so far from it. But I've learned a few things along the way.
I've learned how to tune out screaming. Sometimes I don't even hear it anymore. However, 6 am on a Saturday morning is not one of those times. (Especially when the person screaming hasn't stopped for over 10 minutes, and you know she isn't stopping anytime soon…And the baby is 20 feet away.)
I've learned how to do little girl hair, and quickly. I've also found a "magic" brush, that takes away tangles without hurting. It's amazing, ladies, and if you also have daughters with fragile scalps (like apparently mine do,) you should find and buy this brush. Buy two just in case you lose one.
I have learned that…That's it. That's all I've learned. I can't think of anything else. My mother brain has officially closed down.
I am in the trenches. And they're super deep. And muddy. And it stinks. Literally. And just like a trench in a war zone, these trenches of motherhood include screaming. And blood. And sweat and tears. Somedays are better than others. Somedays you feel like one of the soldiers that has been beaten up and broken down.
I've decided that the best way to get out of the trenches is to get away. Have a break. Take an evening to yourself.
Most of us can't do that. I know I can't. Yes, it would be helpful. I know I always feel better after I have been missed for a few hours. But the thing that is maybe the most helpful is prayer. I read the other day, "The angels knew the people by name and watched over them closely…I saw that we could literally call down thousands of angels in our aid if we ask in faith." (found here)
This quote wasn't from a LDS person, but I love it. Here's another great one from Elder Holland; "Usually such beings (angels) are not seen. Sometimes they are. But seen or unseen they are always near. … Most often [their purpose] is to comfort, to provide some form of merciful attention, guidance in difficult times." (found here) What an amazing message. And because he is also so amazing, another quote: "Do the best you can through these years, but whatever else you do, cherish that role that is so uniquely yours and for which heaven itself sends angels to watch over you and your little ones." (found here) I like to think that I have special angels helping me and my little ones. I can't imagine Catheryn never wanting to be around her sweet nieces and nephews and I'm sure, if we could see her, she is always near by, waiting to help and serve and attend.
I just finished up bathing my kids. Bath time is always hard for me. It's stressful. And loud. And wet. And I always end up yelling. Tonight, after bath time, I asked Chloe, "Do you think I'm mean?" At first she said no. And then she said, "I mean, yes!" I asked why and she said, "Because you talk to me mean. It makes me sad."
I am definitely in the trenches. But I'm trying. I love those kids so much. I prayed them here. I waited and prayed and hoped and worried. I still do all those things. And sometimes I think about how someday they'll all be gone, and this will all be a memory, and it makes me cry.
How is it that you can be so far in the trenches and still cry about missing them when they're so far away from being missed? How can you want a break and then all you think about during your break is how much you want to be back with them?
I guess it's what being a Mom is all about.